jaldi jaao yaar! Plz

Disclaimer : aaj mood thoda introspective hai. Might be a spoiler for many!

13 days into the new year and looks like nothing great is happening in this new year too [and I am not talking about the Satyam fall-down or the SENSEX not picking up or Kasab remaining to be an alien from a different planet/galaxy or the World Bank banning WIPRO too, instead I am talking only about myself].

By no means I am one of those who set resolutions on the new year eve, and then after the second week into the new year forget about all those resolutions and live life as it was always. {I personally believe that resolutions are more like 'wish-lists', we just wish them to come true, and that too without any effort. I have made all such wish-lists while I was in schools and colleges, but the lesson was taken then and there, Resolutions = Wish-lists, thats it!} Anyway, in past 13 days I did nothing new or constructive as such, neither did I do anything soulfully fulfilling. And this gives me a feeling of the last year.

While I looks back to my past 13 days, or for that matter looking back into the past hundreds of days, all I get back is a extreme sense of emptiness. Emptiness w.r.t. meaning, purpose, energy and drive. What I have been doing in all these days could be summed as below, and one could easily derive the consequences or after effects of the same.

if the day is a weekday & its not a public holiday:
get up.......feel pity on yourself about getting up early........curse the day for not being a saturday/sunday.........curse the whole office........get ready and leave for office........@ office, kill some time gathering information about what has to done.....set plans or work on the plans imposed on me..........have lunch...........surf the net...........chit-chat/dogging(insted of bitching).........kill the rest of office time either working or pretending to work.......the day gets over.........somehow reach home.......and then drink [if there is nothing to watch in the TV]...or do some aimless net-surfing again for hours.........do some unwelcome chatting.....have dinner...and the sleep. {unwelcome chatting's biggest characteristics are these few words used often by the person on the other side - 'aur batao', 'hmm','huh','haha','smily or smilies', and its expected that you only keep typing the messages (because u r an idiot by birth) and the person on the other end would have all the pleasure to sit and relax and if he is willing enough to respond then he/she will pass on those hmms and huhs or smilies! All those of u are Big time suckers!!}

on Friday evenings.........drink till I reach a mindless level.........and get emotional over issues dating back to years and even decades.........and then when the eyes reject the request to remain open and body cries for some rest and make me fail in your attempts to move out of the bed......I sleep!

Weekends give a sigh of relief that you did not miss your office today, and when I see the watch I get to realize that I have already killed a good amount of the weekend. And the the normal chores of life begins.............see missed calls, call them........explain that you miss him/her so much.......and the life continues............till I reach the Sunday evening.....when the feeling creeps into the mind that - For next 5 days I have no life, just a mindless wandering over some codes and keep spelling out unrelated and impractical words like project, dead-lines, commitment, client etc etc. And the weekend is over!

I am not sure this is the case only with me, but I fail to explain myself that this could have a meaning too [at least for so many people I know]. I tend to feel that my life has started to revolve around only the 5 days, rest 2 days goes only in sleeping and finding a purpose of this life.

I wonder how people keep themselves engaged and spirited to something for the whole of their life. How come people manage to keep the spark alive somewhere inside them. All this is something which puzzles me to an unimaginable extent.

I would not say that I am being over-worked and hence I am starting to show the signs of a cramp. Instead I have been lucky have got a right working environment always. I have been lucky to have got friends who could energize even a dead mass. I am lucky that I don't have any financial obligations to meet. Basically I am lucky on all accounts, if I see it in measurable terms.

But as soon as the matters shift their direction towards the abstract things, things start to change colour. I don't know why things do no excite me, like it used to do until college days came to an end. No challenge seems to be challenging enough to keep me on my toes and energized. No relation seems excites me to the limit which I had during my first relation. No one seems to be as convincing to me as convinced I was during my second affair.

I wonder why things have stopped kicking me and why life has stopped to offer a high. I was never like this. Until few years back I was someone who used to create challenges for himself and then surpass the same. But ab pata nahin kya ho raha hai.

I believe it was some very long time back during my school days I wrote a poem for the annual school magazine .........it actually didn't get published because the teacher felt that I have copied it from somewhere...........but the starting lines of that poem are my life-time best lines.....and somehow matches my sentiments at this point of time -

'Each day the man with-in me dies,
and tomorrow's death will be deeper than today's.

My Heart looks more like a cactus,
and each day I water it with jealousy, greed & blood'

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[I believe, no one would be interested in reading a class 8th standard guy's poem ]

{It was not that I could predict my present state back in my school days, instead I was writing about the growing inhumanity and insensitivity in the world, I was targetting the crime, dowry, war etc........and the name of the poem was 'The Death of the Man'....but it never got published ever.....but its still there with me in one my school diaries.......if anyone gets too emotional about the whole thing...then he/she can ask it from me.....I would feel oblized to hand-over my first ever poem into your name.}

I have some long history of self-imposed challenges..........and I did all that I could have done to meet those challenges.......
- once I got a self-doubt that I am not at all comparable to IITians........so.... to clear that doubt I spent some 3 months in two of the IITs and rubbed my shoulder with them. Once satisfied, I felt the challenge was not big enough.
- people said Microprocessors is such a tough subject, and ever tougher challenge is to handle Sukku (the prof). I did all under the sun to make this subject look like a fodder size in front of me, and sukku.....well my ECE batchmates would know better about that final viva-cum-lab exam. And the immdiate realization was that this Microprocessor issue was nothing more than the 'Bisleri packaged into Vodka bottle'.
- people said campus recruitments are easy to get, try getting a off-campus job. Yes sir, challenge accepted. I did get a couple of offers by my sole effort. This challenge would have provided much more resistance in the present circumstances. Saala time se pehle hin pass ho gaya!

MBA ka ek sapna tha...........wo bhi finally mil gaya...........and now sitting aimless.......much like a loaded gun waiting for a tiger in the city park :(

Some people said that all such things are a passing phase, I wish that its the same in my case too. My huge worry these days is that what would actually start to excite me again, and how to find that. Guys need your help again [and please don't ever suggest me about shaadi, that would be nothing less than a killing experience for me.]

[Many of you might feel that I am going through all these feeling just because I am too far from friends, and family right now. But trust me, eversince I have started working I am getting this feel about my world.]

And before I end this post, I must write that - I haven't forgot about the korea stories at all....infact they are already composed and new articles are getting added each week......but abhi post karne ka mood nahin ban raha hai :( , so guys kindly excuse me for the time being. Waiting for this phase to pass.

Hope this too shall pass soon........jaldi jaao yaar! Plz

*Edit 1: Read one energizing article 'Keep the Spark Alive' by Chetan Bhagat, delivered as a speech to Post Graduate college students @ Pune

*Edit 2: By sheer curiosity I typed the word 'introspection' in YouTube only to get a video by a spiritual guru of India who is talking on the topic in Hindi. Watch the video below. And do note the irony of this post......I started with being drunk, and ending with a total oxymoron :)